She's leaving...

My best friend is leaving. Joining the Air Force. It's crazy. I guess I never thought the day would come.
I'm one of those people who doesn't believe something until it happens. I didn't accept my Grandma's death until the memorial service, where I cried like a baby.
Tonight, I felt fine until I came inside from seeing my friend, 'R', for the last time. Then I had a panic attack.

I don't know why I'm like this. I wish I could just be able to accept something and believe it.

Better yet, I wish something so good happens I won't be able to believe it. I want something THAT amazing to happen.

I e-mailed my local radio station telling them I would be the perfect co-host for their show. Haha. Wouldn't that be awesome if something came out of that? I am realistic in terms of probability, but I do believe anything can happen. It just has to be the right time.

But what about the right decision? I've gone on with this charade that I'm joining the military for a few months, giving myself an excuse not to look for work (although I have). I've been telling myself and everyone around me that's what I'm doing, and October 2nd is the day I find out if my health is good enough to go.
Then the ball will start rolling. Should I stop it?

I am exhausted. Wanna bet I'm going to have some crazy dreams?

xoxo
CD